See what I see
by 015.inebriated
Summary: The consequences of falling in love with your bestfriend.. Spashley Rated T for now
1. Introduction

**Disclaimer: I own nothing south of nowhere related. sad...**

**Reviews: Very welcome, also to see if I should continue this or not.**

**Rated T for now**

**_Enjoy!_**

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It's amazing really how one person can change your whole perspective on life. On what you live by, on how you acted. What's even more fascinating is the fact that you don't really seem to care, even though you know how wrong it all feels yet it feels so right.

You got you're whole life planned out. Since you were young you knew what you wanted to do with your life. You wanted to graduate, get a degree, settle down, and start a family. Then slowly things didn't go the way you always thought they would. You graduated yes, the degree? Not quite there yet. Settling down and having a family isn't even on that list anymore.

Your world, that was built to last, was falling apart right before your very eyes.

**_Can't you see that i wanna be there with open arms  
It's empty tonight and i'm all alone  
Get me through this one_**

You fell in love with a girl. You weren't supposed to. You were supposed to fall in love with a guy. Get married. Have kids. I guess life has a way of surprising you.

You never really told anyone though. You never told them in fear of being abandoned or rejected. You kept it in the best way you knew how. You buried a hole within yourself.

_How far down are you?_

You watch her everyday. She was your best friend. She was everything you wanted. She was always there for you. But you just never expected any of these feelings to come up. You never expected yourself to fall for her. You fell for her, and you were falling hard. But you never let her know that. You never told her how much it hurts you to see her with someone else. You wonder every day when you stopped envying her perfect figure and curves and began to envy the guy that was able to touch them.

You know that you can't keep this façade from going any longer. You needed to get away, and you needed to get away fast.

**_Do you notice i'm gone?  
Where do you run to so far away?_**

I want you to know that I miss you I miss you so  


As much as you wanted to push her out of your life, you just couldn't bring yourself to do so. You needed her. She's what's keeping you together, yet she's also the one slowly tearing you apart.

You cringe every time you see them together. She always talks about him while you begin to notice that you two are slowly drifting apart. She was beginning to get too wrapped up with her new boyfriend it's like you never existed. Like you weren't there for her when she needed you most.

Like you didn't matter to her at all.

Like you weren't her best friend.

**_I'm writing again these letters to you aren't much, I know  
But i'm not sleeping and you're not here  
The thought stops my heart_**

So you helped her. You help her build that wall around you two. Yours was higher though. You managed to finally push her out of your life. It doesn't seem to bother her though. Especially since she rarely if not ever calls you anymore. No more random days when she'd just come over and pick you up or the many unplanned sleepovers. It was all gone. And she watched it all happen, saw it coming, and did nothing about it.

My name is Spencer Carlin, and I have a problem, I'm completely and hopelessly in love with my best friend.

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**A/N: So tell me whether or not I should go on with this. Reviews are always welcome!**


	2. Staplegunned

**Disclaimer: Yup still don't own South of Nowhere... it'd be nice to though... hey a girl can dream right?**

**A/N: Thanks to all those that reviewed! hope you guys will like this chapter. Reviews are always welcome, they make it easier to make an update knowing that people are actually reading this. Love you guys!!!!!!!**

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"Spencer! Get your ass out of that room and go do something! It's summer for Christ sake! Enjoy it while it last." My brother yelled out.

I guess I should go out, go hang out with people I call friends. I look at myself each day and wonder, how did I manage to get myself this low. I used to be so free, so loving, now I just feel so…

_Lonely_

I miss the times Ashley and I used to share. The memories we've created over the years. I guess that's just what she is now, a memory. I think to myself each day that maybe I should just call her, see what she's been up to. She's tried calling me a couple of times recently, but I just kept making it go straight to voice mail. Afraid that once I hear her voice I'll just give in again and act like nothing had ever happened.

Afraid that I might forget all the times she hurt me by choosing that guy.

Aiden Dennison.

I've always thought I hated the guy. Then of course reality just had to come in and make me realize, I don't hate him. I mean I really have no reason to. He's sweet, kind, a bit of a jock, but not an ass like the rest of them. I guess I was just jealous that Ashley had chosen him over me. And that's what bugs me the most, is the fact that I was always there for her, gave her all the love I could give, wiped away every single tear that another guy had caused, but in the end, she chose him.

Then again it was probably on me that this had happened. I just thought that maybe if I tried hard enough she'd see things my way and feel the way I feel. At one point I actually thought that maybe she felt that same way as I did, but I guess that was just wishful thinking on my part.

"_**Love me love me say that you love me, fool me fool me go on and fool me…"**_

Don't you just love the ringtone I chose for her? I should probably answer that…

"Hello?" I say barely above whisper.

"Hey u… why haven't you been returning any of my calls?" she says.

"I've been busy…"

"Well when you're ready to come out of that little cave you call your room, get changed I'm coming over."

Wait what?! "No Ash I—" dial tone. Great. Now what?

I was still in my wife beater and boxers when I heard a knock on my door. Shit… she couldn't already be here can she?!

"Spence! I know you're in there! Open up!" I heard her yell.

I went over and opened my bedroom door and saw her standing by it with this white top that hugs her body in all the right places and probably the shortest skirt I have ever seen in my whole life.

I couldn't help but stare.

"See anything you like Spence?" She asks me with a smirk.

I quickly brush it off and reply, "Geez Ash seducing anyone tonight?"

"Maybe… but first, you might want to wipe off that drool you got on your mouth."

"So… what may I have done that you decided to grace me with your presence?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Well seeing as how we haven't spoken to each other since god knows how long and the fact that you never even bothered to see how I have—"

"Spence, Aiden and I are getting married." She quickly cuts me off.

Whoa… she has got to be shitting me right? I see her wave her left hand at me showing me the engagement ring that he had given her.

"Really? oh… uh wow congratulations…" yes I am the queen of speaking.

"And well I wanted you to be my maid of honor, that is if you'd like to be."

"Uh yeah sure, I'd love to Ash." Take a gun a shoot me in the heart while your at it.

"Well, ok then, I guess I'll see you later Spence…" and with that she was gone.

So my best friend is getting married.

I'm in love with my best friend.

She's in love with Aiden.

And I am seriously fucked…

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**A/N: Hope you guys liked the update! R&R!!! you guys rock!**


	3. What it is to burn

It's been a week since Ashley has told me that she and Aiden were getting married. To say that I was bummed would be an understatement. But I guess if being with Aiden makes her happy, then I guess I should be too…

_Right?_

I've tried so hard to be supportive, to support her a hundred percent, but it just gets so hard sometimes. It's like I don't even know how to react sometimes, but I try to bite my tongue every once in a while whenever she says something about him.

_**Love me love me say that you love me fool me fool me go on and fool me love me love…**_

"Wassup Ash?" great she's probably just calling again to talk about her stupid fiancé.

"Well since you're my maid of honor and all I was wondering if maybe you could help me pick out a wedding dress and we could just get yours on the way too…" she says sounding a bit unsure.

"Uh… yeah, what time do you want me to get ready?"

"I should be there in about an hour and a half, is that enough time for you to get ready?"

"Yeah that would be… great. See you then Ash."

So I ask myself each day, why does God hate me so much? I mean shit… it's like when I see her with him, kissing him, whispering sweet love notes to each other everyday, it kills me.

Maybe I'm just being selfish, I don't know.

All I know is that I want her.

After I got out of the shower I went and got myself ready.

_**Buzz…**_

It was a txt message from Ashley.

_**Hey you ready yet? I'm downstairs.**_

I really don't want to go, but hey if it makes her happy shouldn't I be?

_**Yeah almost there, just let yourself in I'll be down in 5…**_

Might as well get this thing over with. _I'm doing the right thing… right?_

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After about a billion shops I was completely bored out of my fucking mind. But I guess that's the price you pay for agreeing to help Ashley look for a dress.

"How about this one?" I looked up and… wow… she looked stunning.

"That's… uh wow Ash… that looks really good on you…"

_**Today's on fire  
The sky is bleeding above me, and I am blistered  
I walk these lines of blasphemy, every day**_

"You really think so?" she asks me with a slight bit of insecurity.

"Yeah, you look really good in that dress, Aiden would be a fool to not think so." Yeah I pretty much killed myself saying that.

"Thanks, can you uh zip me up?"

_**And still  
Like a bad star, I'm falling faster down to her  
She's the only one who knows, what it is to burn**_

I walk up to her and slowly go to her back. It's weird how my hands are shaking right now. I lift up the zipper and pull it up slowly making sure I don't hurt her in the process.

"Just perfect…" I say barely above whisper.

She turns around and looks at me straight in the eye and I don't know but I think someone just turned off the oxygen in here cause breathing seems to be a little harder for me to do right now.

"You really think so?" she says, a bit huskier, or maybe I was just imagining that.

_**I feel diseased  
Is there no sympathy from the sun?  
The sky's still fire  
But I am safe in here, from the world outside**_

I simply nod, afraid to say anything thinking that my voice my betray me. For a brief second I thought I saw Ashley look up at me then back down at my lips.

"I really missed you Spence…" she whispered inching a bit closer to me.

"I re–" I was cut off by the store attendant or what ever it is you call those people that go around helping you with clothes.

"Did you find that dress to your liking?"

Ashley quickly pulled away from me and just like that the moment was gone.

"Oh I'm sorry was I interrupting something? I could come back if you want." The lady says almost embarrassed.

"No you're not." Wow someone was quick to reply. I looked around and decided maybe I should just leave, this was getting a little to awkward for my liking.

"Uh listen Ash, well I gotta go… do stuff… catch a cab or something… and yeah… well I'll see you later…" and like I said, I am the queen of speaking.

As I was walking away I stopped just before I got to the door and turned around, "You really look great by the way… I hope you're happy…"

_**So tell me  
What's the price to pay for glory?  
Like a bad star, I'm falling faster down to her  
She's the only one who knows, what it is to burn  
Today is fire, and she burns**_

I turned to leave, I don't know why but tears were slowly building up.

I just really don't know what to do anymore.


	4. What if?

**Disclaimer: Still don't own South of Nowhere**

**A/N: Read and review! Sorry for the late update**

**Rated T for now**

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After a long walk I finally decided I should probably head back. I mean seriously what the hell was I thinking? Did I seriously believe that Ashley would ever want anything more than friendship from me? I need to get out of this stupid emo mood that only Ashley seems to get me in.

And just when I thought I was slowly forgetting her, I get a text.

_**Hey I'm sorry about what happened at the shop. Well I don't really know what happen bt call me?**_

I contemplated whether or not I should call her. I really shouldn't expect much. You think after all this time I would've learned my lesson huh? I guess some habits are just hard to break. After constant battles with my inner subconscious I decided maybe I should call her. What else do I have to lose?

"Hello?" I think I just lost my voice…

"Oh hey Ash, yeah you needed to talk?" I asked trying to sound not too nervous. It's weird how I lose all coherent thoughts or words when I hear her voice. Damn I'm in too deep huh?

"Yeah I just wanted to see if you were okay you kinda just ran off on me at the shop and I was wondering if I did anything wrong…"

I took a deep breath before I answered trying to find the right words to say.

"No you didn't do anything wrong Ash, I just needed to get a breather, I have a lot of things on my mind right now." Not a total lie, so that makes it alright… right?

"Oh, well I guess that's good, so uh, you wanna come out with me tomorrow night? I kinda need help with all the wedding arrangements and stuff and you know me pretty well and I didn't really want to bring anyone else, because anyone else would just keep choosing stuff that I didn't want and you know how I hate it when people try to pick out stuff for me that I really don't—"

"I don't know Ash," I quickly cut her off her rant, "I'll call you about it tomorrow and see what's up…" well I couldn't just keep giving everything up for her right? Dammit why do I keep asking myself these questions…

"Oh, well then uh, ok then I'll be waiting for your call… bye Spence." I'm not so sure but I coulda sworn I heard a hint of sadness if not disappointment in her voice but quickly brushed it off.

"Alright Ash, talk to you later." and with that I hung up the phone.

Why do things have to be so hard? Why can't it be as easy as how they portray these things in movies or shows? I guess that's the thing though, my life isn't a movie, it won't not work then work out later. You don't always end up with the one you love.

Sometimes I wish it did though.

What to do what to do… do I go with Ashley tomorrow knowing that I really don't want her to get married? Or do I just stay here and cut her out of my life completely?

Either way I still end up hurt, and wondering what could have been.

By the end of the day, it's always the what if's that hurt you the most.

Like, _'What if I had told Ashley how I felt a long time ago?'_

'_What if I had told her that I didn't want her to get married?'_

'_What if I never had these feelings to begin with?' _I think life would have been so much more easier…

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**A/N: Reviews would be nice...**


	5. I just want you

**Disclaimer: Still don't own South of Nowhere**

**A/N: Read and Review! Hope you guys like this chapter!**

**Thanks to all you that reviewed!!! Love you guys!!!!! **

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I got up pretty early this morning, much to my dismay, not really anticipating what the day had to offer. I don't really have anything planned so I'm pretty much just stuck here. Should I go with Ashley today? I know that it hurts knowing that she's getting married, and the fact that she doesn't see me more than just her best friend, but the thing is, she still is my friend.

I'm too nice huh?

After a quick shower I got myself ready and decided to text her.

_**Still want me to go with you?**_

After I hit send, I wondered, _was I doing the right thing?_

_**Buzz…**_

_**Yeah, be there in 10 mins?**_

10 minutes huh? Enough time I guess.

_**Ok…**_

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_**Love me love me say that you love me…**_

I seriously got to change that ringtone.

"You ready Spence?" I heard her say over the phone.

"Yeah just quite, let me just grab my bag, I'll be coming down." I quickly hung up the phone and got downstairs as slowly as I could.

I still had time to back out and come out with some stupid lame excuse like my dog died or that my mom wanted to have some mother daughter bonding. Pfft yeah right even I wouldn't believe that.

I took a big sigh and opened my front door. There sat Ashley in her car smiling towards me.

"Hey you… you ready?" she asked me once I got to her car.

"Yeah, where we going?"

"Well I was thinking we could go look for a nice place to have my wedding at, but then I realized we barely ever hang out anymore so does breakfast sound better?" she looked at me unsure of what I may say to her.

"Yeah that'd be nice…" I smiled at her while she smiled back, well at least here's the one up to my day. I don't have to quietly sit around and here her ramble on about her wedding. Then again, the day has only begun.

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We couldn't decide where to eat so Ashley suggested that we just go over to her place and eat there.

"Wouldn't Aiden mind if I came over to your house?" I asked her.

"No, and plus it's not he lives with me."

After about 20 minutes we finally got to her house. I walked straight into the living room and just sat at her couch.

"Hey Spence! Could you come over? I don't know what you might like." I heard her yell from the kitchen.

I got up from the couch and headed towards her voice. "What you got?" I asked her and sat on one of her stools.

"Well… as you may know, I suck at cooking, so uh cereal?" She says with a nervous laugh.

"Cereal would be fine." I smiled her, she's smiling at me, I look like a grinning idiot, somebody shoot me.

It got really quiet all of a sudden, we just sat there, looking at each other. "Uh… Ash…" I whispered as I noticed we we're probably just an inch or two away from each other.

"Hmm Spence?" she said, her voice sounding a bit huskier than normal. I licked my lips and saw her doing the same. I want to kiss her so bad, but what if she freaks out on me? What if she never wants to speak to me again afterwards? Fuck it.

I leaned in and sealed the distance we had between us as I brushed my lips against hers. Kissing her as softly as I could, giving her the chance to pull away, but she didn't, she was kissing me back, Ashley Davies was kissing me back.

I felt her tongue graze against my lips begging for entrance which I was happy to oblige. I heard a moan, not so sure who it came from. I pulled her closer to me by putting one of my hands behind her head and slowly lead her up against the wall.

Our tongues were both battling for dominance as I felt a hand rub my lower back and another grab my ass. God she was getting me so wet. I wanted her so badly right now.

I let my hands roam her body slowly, seeing if she would reject my advances as I slipped one under her shirt and rubbed her perfectly tone stomach going up to graze the outside of her bra. I heard her moan out as I gently caressed it causing me to moan at the effect I had on her.

I bit her bottom lip then pulled away and started kissing down her neck, till I found that one spot under her pulse point and sucked on it.

"Oh god Spence…" I unclasped her bra with one hand and allowed the material to slack. I used both hands and grabbed both her breast, kneading them as I sucked on that spot underneath her pulse point. Her moans were driving me crazy with want. "Fuck Ash, I want you so badly right now…" I panted out. We were both breathing heavily.

I stopped sucking on her neck, knowing for sure I probably left a mark and moved down to her shirt covered breast and nipped through the material as I slid my hand down her thighs and up her skirt eliciting another moan out of her. "Fuck Ash, you are so fucking wet, that is so fucking hot…" feeling how wet she was and knowing that I did that made me want her even more.

I rubbed her center, teasing her as I slipped my hands underneath her underwear letting my fingers slide across her clit.

"Oh fuck Spence…" she moaned out.

"Yes Ash? Tell me what you want." I let my finger slowly in her opening then pulled it back out and let it gently rub her clit again.

"Ohhh… I want… you…"

"You want me to what Ashley?" I know that I was torturing her, but a part of me needed to hear her say it. I let my fingers play around with her center going in slowly then pulling back out rubbing on her clit every once in a while then I stopped waiting for her answer.

"JUST FUCK ME ALREADY!" fuck demanding Ashley was sexy!

"With pleasure…" I slipped two fingers in her and pumped it in furiously.

"Oh GOD Spence!!" we were both breathing heavily. I used my other hand and picked up her other leg and wrapped it around my waist and pushed her farther against the wall to get more support.

We finally found a rhythm and I knew that she was getting close. She rode my fingers faster as I pushed in and out harder. She wrapped her hands around my neck and bit down on it as I took my thumb and started rubbing it on her clit still pumping in and out of her. Her moans were getting louder, profanities never sounded so fucking sexy to me in my whole life till now.

I curled my fingers and that was enough to send her over the edge while she bit down on my neck harder.

Her orgasm finally came and she was shaking on me but I didn't stop moving my fingers inside of her, still rubbing her clit, she was sent on another orgasm, I slowed my fingers and looked into her eyes.

She kissed me once again. My fingers still deep in her center, my other hand still holding her against the wall, her hands still wrapped around my neck.

"Ashley what the fuck?!" we heard someone yell from behind us. We quickly pulled away from each other as I turned around.

_Fuck… Aiden._

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**A/N: Reviews are always nice... tell me what you think**


	6. Yesterday's Feelings

**A/N: I know that you guys probably hate me for taking this long to update, but now that i got some free time off i should be able to post a chapter each day. Hope you guys haven't lost interest in the story yet. THanks to all those that read and reviewed my story. you guys are awesome**

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Ashley and I both froze at the sound of Aiden's voice. So I'm pretty sure neither of us was expecting this. I slowly pulled my hand out of Ashley's center. "Fuck…" I muttered barely above whisper.

I looked over at Aiden, not really knowing what to say then back at Ashley. She looked so stunned, just as speechless as I was. The tension in the air was getting a little too much for me, but I was willing to stay if she was willing to.

"I uh… gotta go." Ashley quickly said, and with that she was gone.

_Great…_

I looked back at Aiden and decided to take that as my cue to leave.

I quickly got out the house when it clicked that I didn't exactly drive my car here . I pulled out my phone and called for my brother to come pick me up. I waited over by the bus stop for him.

I really don't know how I should feel about this. Does she regret it? Of course she does, the guy she was supposed to marry just caught her pinned against the wall with her best friends fingers buried deep within her.

_**Close my eyes and move to the back of my mind  
The worries are washed out to sea  
See the changes, people's faces blurred out  
Like sunspots or raindrops...**_

After about 15 minutes of torturing myself with different types of questions Glen finally came. I got in, and looked out the window, not wanting to engage in any type of conversations with him. Only cause I was in too much of a vulnerable state, and I really didn't want him to see me tear up.

I went straight into my room as soon as we got home and just laid on my bed. Not really knowing what else to do I grabbed my phone and decided to call the person responsible for the reason why I'm feeling this way right now.

Why? Wish I knew…

Straight to voicemail… great.

_**Just wanted to see how you were doing.**_

As soon as I said that, I asked myself again. 'What the hell am I doing?'

Why do I keep chasing after her, hoping that she will finally see life the way I do and accept everything, instead of trying to push everything far behind her mind thinking that it'll all go away.

I hear a knock on my door and to my surprise there she was. Tears stained mascara rolling down her beautiful face. She looked so broken… so confused, almost as much as I do.

_**Now all those feelings, those yesterdays feelings will all be lost in time.  
but today ive wasted away for today is on my mind...  
Left the only worries I had in my hands,  
Away from the light in my eyes..  
Holding tight and try not to hide how i feel....**_

I gestured for her to come in and followed suit. She stood in the middle of my room looking everywhere, everywhere but me.

After what felt like an eternity of awkward silence I decided I should be the one to say something.

"I know you probably regret what happened, but I won't say that im sorry, because you and I both know that you wanted that to happen also."

She just stood there, not at all trying to say anything so I decided to keep going.

"I'm sorry that I was never good enough for you, I'm sorry that I wasn't the person that wanted to be with in the end. Just know that it kills me every single time knowing that its him that gets to hold you in the end of day. Its aiden that gets to love you, care for you… not me."

"Oh…" she mutters out quietly.

"I spill my guts out to you and all you say is 'Oh'? What is that supposed to be Ash? You could at least say something else. Anything but just 'Oh'…"

_**I can't care to worry  
Im feeling so lonely  
Breaking apart all this love in my heart  
Close my eyes and move to the back of my mind**_

"What do you want me to say Spence? That I can't stop thinking about you? That maybe I've felt like this about you for a very long time but was too much of a coward to say anything to you? Its way too hard Spence, I'm sorry. I can't deal with this right now, I never should have came in the first place…"

She started walking towards the door when all her words finally clicked in. I grabbed her by the arm and made her face me.

"Don't leave Ash…" I say quietly.

"I can't do this Spence. It's not fair to Aiden, were supposed to be getting married." She looks almost saddened saying this.

"Do you really want to be with him Ash? Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with him? Look me in the eyes and tell me that you don't love me, that you don't want to be with me…" I was close to tears at this point, I couldn't lose her to him again, not this time, not after what happened.

"I gotta go, I'm sorry Spencer…"

And with that she left, I didn't even care to stop her anymore, I guess she made her choice, and it obviously wasn't me…

_**Now I care to worry  
I'm feeling so lonely  
Breaking apart all this love in my heart...**_

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**A/N: Reviews are awesome...Tell me what you think...**


	7. Lunacy Fringe

Ashley POV

_**Wake up  
My love  
Never thought you'd make me, break me  
Now I'm up from below  
Such a brilliant star you are**_

Ever had that one moment in youre life when you just wish that there was a rewind button? That there was a way to take back all the things that you said, all that you did? I've always known that I had feelings for Spencer, more than a best friend should, but as the coward that I was, I never did anything about it.

Aiden and I had been friends for a real long time and began dating before Spencer came into the picture. But I've always felt like there was something missing. I know I know, that sounds a bit cliché, but that's how I've always felt.

Then Spencer came into the picture, we clicked from the start. She just seemed to understand me. She knew me better than I knew myself, more than Aiden did. And I guess that's what scared me, I was afraid of what she did to me. How she got me missing her even though we had only seen each other not too long ago. How seeing her name on my phone whenever she called brought butterflies. How a simple touch from her sent shivers up my spine. I knew that I couldn't hold the feeling in any longer, but I did, and that always made me hate myself even more.

We began to drift apart. I spent more time with Aiden thinking that all these feelings for her would go away, that I wouldn't be thinking of her as much as I did if I wasn't around her. But it just brought more pain and heartache. I was losing my best friend.

Aiden proposed to me a few weeks after school had ended. Stupid me said yes, at least with him I knew I wouldn't get hurt, or so I thought.

_**And will your love keep burning baby  
Burn a hole right through my eyes  
All these short times feel like no time  
I thought you ought to know**_

That day at my house with Spencer was probably the most alive ive felt in a really long time. I've never felt that way with anyone, not even with _him_.

But like the retard I was, I pushed her away afterwards. I didn't even explain myself, I just left. I told her that it was all a mistake…

Choosing Aiden over her has been the biggest mistake of my life. I want to make things right, but I really don't know how…

**A/N: **I know that its a short update, i'll try and post up a longer 1 2moro.. hope i didny disappoint anyone..


	8. WTF

**Disclaimer: SON doesn't belong to me and never will.**

**A/N: Seriously apologize for such a long hiatus but i promise that i will try and update this story more often now. It's been awhile since I've written anything in a long time so I really hope i don't disappoint any one with this update.  
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Spencer POV

Wanna know the fucked up thing about all this? Is the fact that she hurts me in more ways than one, but I know that the minute she comes back to me, I'm just gonna go and forget it all. Forget all the confusion that she put in me. All the heartache she came with.

And yet in the end, it still won't be me that she'll be choosing.

A part of me wants to hate her for all these. All these pain going through me. All these sadness, the confusions. But I can't bring myself to do so. I can't bring myself to push her away.

Just what the hell is wrong with me?

I just don't understand why she doesn't want to be with me. I don't understand why she would choose him over me, after she made it clear that she wasn't happy with him.

It's been two weeks since the incident, the wedding is in four days and I don't even know if they're still getting married at all. I haven't spoken to her since then, I mean what more could I say? I literally threw myself at her and when shit got bad all she did was left.

Told me that she was sorry, that it was all a mistake.

I guess I should've seen this coming. My mind kept telling me not to do it, not to kiss her, not to do anything that could probably ruin what little friendship we had left. But no I just had to listen to that little tiny piece of hope that told me otherwise.

Told me that she might like me too, might see what I see, might just love me the way I love her.

She did like me, at one point she did see things the way I did, she did love me. But it's not me she's chosen. It's not me that's marrying her, it's not me that she wants to spend the rest of her life with.

_**One year later**_

Seconds turned to minutes, minutes turned to hours, hours turned into days. Next thing you know a year has gone by and not a word from her. Not a single call or text.

She did marry him though. I got that information from all people, my brother.

I spent many months wasting over her, wondering just why the hell she did it. Why she married him, why would she do that if she really wasn't happy.

Time went by and suddenly I wasn't asking myself all these questions, suddenly I just stopped wondering why. Didn't mean that I still don't think about her, yet the sad fact about all this, is the fact that after all that heart ache she put me through, I _still_ love her.

And I'm afraid I always will.

So you might be wondering, just what the hell I've been doing with my life since that little incident with Ashley happened.

I did what I never thought I would do in my whole entire life, I signed my life away to Uncle Sam. The Army has found a way to keep me busy, keep me from thinking about her so much, keep me as far away from her.

Seeing as how I went to my unit late I served only a 4 month deployment in Iraq. It was different there, and while every one else was excited to leave, I found myself wishing I could stay longer. Cause down there I was constantly busy. Down there I never had to worry about seeing her every time I walked out my door.

I had nothing to worry about.

I'm currently stationed here in Hawaii. I learned how to surf, learned how to block Ashley from my brain with countless other girls.

And like today I'm spending it the same way I do every time I get off work, I drive down to the beach and try and catch as many waves as I can. After about an hour of sitting in water I finally accepted that the waves just wasn't coming today so I paddled back on shore and grabbed my things.

"Spencer?" an all too familiar voice said behind me. And at that moment I knew exactly who it was.

"_Ashley?_"

**A/N: R&R so I can know if I should continue on with this story**


	9. No Hands

**A/N: I have a tendency of cursing alot, so I hope the random curse words you see down there doesn't offend you. I really will try to update as much as i can**

"_Ashley?"_

Billions of questions running through my head, one speaking louder than them all, just what the hell was she doing here in Hawaii? I looked over at her and she seemed just as surprised as I was.

How is it that after all this time, after all the heart ache and confusion she brought me, I can't help but feel all the things she made me feel almost a year ago? The Hawaii sun shining down on her brings out her true beauty. The way she looks in her bikini, the smile she has on her face, but I can't help but feel a bit angry at her. And just like that I remember everything again. I remember all the nights I spent feeling sorry for myself, being angry for feeling so much for someone that wouldn't even try.

I was done. Done feeling like second choice, done trying to make her change her mind when it's clearly not me she wanted.

"Spencer?" she says again breaking me out of the inner conversation I was having with myself. Looking back at her I see she's just staring at me clearly wondering what I was thinking.

I can't do this, I can't give her the chance to come back into my life so I just pushed past her. I started walking back to my car when I realized she was following me.

"Spencer wait, I just want to talk to you." I turned around only to meet pleading eyes, almost making me feel bad… _almost._

"Just what the hell do you want Ashley?" I couldn't help but let the bitterness of it all come out with that one sentence.

"I get it you're mad, and you have every right to be, I just, can we just talk? Get coffee maybe?"

"Coffee?" I scoffed "You want me to get coffee with you? After all this time, after all the pain and confusion you gave me you want me to get coffee with you? Fuck off Ashley, why don't you just go back to that husband of yours."

She looked so hurt after I said that, but I wasn't about to just go and forget it all just then and there. I wasn't about to just let her come back, I couldn't. it hurt way too much.

I got in my car and drove off not once looking at her.

After about an hour of driving around I finally get back to the barracks. Yes I live in the barracks, it's not that bad actually, eh well it kinda is, but it definitely is better than nothing.

"Hey Carlin, what you got going on tonight?" That was Alexis, this girl from my company. We usually go out together almost every night. And every night we find a different girl to spend it with.

"Nothing really, what did you want to do?" After meeting up with Ashley I definitely needed to go out and occupy my mind with something other than her.

"I don't know, ZanzaBar?"

"Sounds cool to me. Gimme about half hour yeah?" With that I went up to go change into a decent outfit to wear for tonight.

The ride over to the club was good, we spent almost the whole time just talking shit about the Sergeants we had and all the crazy things they made us do today. I mean really what soldier doesn't talk shit about their Sergeants?

After about a couple dances with a few random girls I went up to the bar to get a drink that was dearly needed.

"Crown and coke please." Bartender simply nodded at me and got my drink ready. Yup no i.d. needed, can't help but say I'm just awesome like that.

"Hey beautiful…" I turned to see a familiar face behind me. Can anyone guess who it is?

"You stalking me or something Ashley?"

"Would you just stop it already? Dance with me." I stare at her, wondering if I should just completely ignore her and just finish my drink or go with her. Dammit where the hell is Alexis?

"Oh shut up and lets go, you know you want to." Without giving me a chance to reply she simply drags me down to the dance floor.

_**Girl the way you movin' got me in a trance  
Dj turn me up ladies this yo jam (Come on)  
**_

She started grinding up against me as I realized I should probably start moving instead of just standing there looking like an idiot.

_**Imma sip mascato and you gon' loose them pants  
And Imma throw this money while you do it with no hands**_

Things got heated up pretty quickly soon after that, just losing ourselves to the music.

_**Girl drop it to the floor I love the way yo booty goooo  
All I wanna do is sit back and watch you move and I'll proceed to throw this cash**_

She moved her hands to my waist swaying me with her. Our bodies getting closer with each beat. Our faces were merely inches apart as I felt her lean in closer only to close the gap between us. Our lips brushed up against each other. Our lips speaking the words we could not say. Then that little voice in the back of my head spoke up. _She's still married to him._

I pulled away, I couldn't do this.

"Spencer! Spence wait!" I ignored her calls and went straight to my car. Seriously where the hell is Alexis right now?

"Spencer, please, just let me explain."

"Explain what exactly Ashley? What more could you possibly say to me? I get it you married him and not me, it was him you wanted, not me. Yet you have the audacity to come here and kiss me, Did Aiden bore you? Is that why you're here?"

"Look Spence, I know I fucked up and I'm sorry, but its not him I want. It's you. Ever since that day, the only person that's been going through my head was you. You're the person I need."

I look down and realize she still has her wedding ring on.

"Yeah says the person that's still married to her high school sweet heart. Save it Ashley, I'm done trying to convince you. I'm done trying to make you see the world the way I saw things. I'm done being your second choice. I'm done."

I go to leave when I feel a hand grab me on the wrist. "I'm sorry Spencer" and with that she closes the gap even between us and kisses me.

**A/N: you know the deal.. R&R**


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